You know, I’ve never been particularly afraid of tornadoes*. Amazingly enough, the logical part of my brain prevails when it says, “you have better things to stress out over than the minute chance you’ll get killed by a tornado.” Fortunately we don’t get a ton of them here in Ohio.
But last night I learned what a pain in the ass tornadoes (or lack thereof) really are.
Here’s my tornado countdown from yesterday:
T-6 minutes: Arrive home from work via “the back way” because the highway was backed up for miles.
T-5:30 minutes: Let dogs out to pee. Say silent prayer for dogs that pee on command.
T-4 minutes: Put confused dogs back in house in order to drive car through back yard and into barn. Promise horse he will get fed in a few minutes. Unfortunately, neither of you know it yet, but that’s a lie.
T-2 minutes: Run back to house, closing gates on the way.
T-1 minute: Feed dogs so anti-anxiety drugs can be administered in anticipation of thunder and lightning.
T-0:15 minutes: Begin running back to barn when the dreaded tornado siren begins wailing. Pause. Decide shutting barn doors is more important than not getting blown away.
T: Close barn doors and chicken house door. Ignore hungry horse. Run back to house.
T+1 minute: Tornado sirens still going off. Turn on TV. Watch 45 seconds of weatherman high on “tornado buzz”.
T+2 minutes: Satellite TV goes out. Same with Clearwire satellite. (No internet.) Sky is green. Decide it’s time to hunker down.
T+4 minutes: Gather essentials (pillow, cell, dog treats, book, book light, Triscuits, ice tea) and dogs in center of house.
T+6 minutes: Get bored. Glance out window and decide that a beverage run is both warranted and safe.
T+6:30 minutes: Settle in with red wine in a penguin sippy cup (don’t want it to stain the carpet in case of an actual tornado, right?), book, and dogs. Set a routine: pet dogs, read book, check cell, sip wine. Repeat 1,000 times. Waste most of evening, besides the wine & little bit of the book.
~
End result? No tornado.
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*Disclaimer: I’m fully aware that tornadoes pose a serious threat and have been responsible for horrendous destruction and loss of life. I in no way intend to downplay these painful realities, nor belittle the awesome power of wind being blown in a circle. In this post I intend to sound cynical, but deep down I respect the raw, unleased power and scariness factor that is the tornado. I talk big, but I have no desire to face one of those monsters down in person.
ROFLMAO! A penguin sippy cup full of wine so the carpet will be safe in event of actual tornado? You have a cool head in a crisis, lady! Kudos!
(and I hope you remembered to feed the horse… eventually.)
Well thanks, I try! The only problem with Mr. Penguin is he’s not very big…haha. Beau got fed between storm fronts, which was about two hours later than he would have liked. Fortunately he’s pretty calm about things, so the hail on the barn roof didn’t seem to bother him too much. You guys probably don’t get tornadoes, being up in the mountains, do you?
I love the sippy cup for wine. Very chic and very smart. Glad you guys are safe!
I don’t know if we get tornados up here or not – our house is pretty high on the mountain, but our nearest real town, Front Royal, sits in the Shenandoah Valley, which is very wide. I know there have been a few tornados in the Valley but mostly south of here. We’ve had a few tornado watches, but no warnings.
What with global warming and all the changes in weather patterns, I don’t think any place is immune to them now. Even when I was growing up, in Fairfax – a suburb of DC- we had a couple tornados, one of which hit out house. I was 10, and looked out a 3rd story window of our house just as 16 trees in the backyard were pulled up out of the ground. A sight I will never forget! It did a little damage to our house, but we really got away very lucky – no one hurt.
So you never know – much better to take your sippy cup & be safe and bored than risk ignoring the warning. Take care of yourself, Alverna!
Wow, Ash, what a crazy story! I can’t even imagine that kind of power.