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My Thoughts on Tornadoes

You know, I’ve never been particularly afraid of tornadoes*.  Amazingly enough, the logical part of my brain prevails when it says, “you have better things to stress out over than the minute chance you’ll get killed by a tornado.”  Fortunately we don’t get a ton of them here in Ohio. 

But last night I learned what a pain in the ass tornadoes (or lack thereof) really are.

Here’s my tornado countdown from yesterday:

T-6 minutes: Arrive home from work via “the back way” because the highway was backed up for miles.

T-5:30 minutes: Let dogs out to pee.  Say silent prayer for dogs that pee on command.

T-4 minutes: Put confused dogs back in house in order to drive car through back yard and into barn.  Promise horse he will get fed in a few minutes.  Unfortunately, neither of you know it yet, but that’s a lie.

T-2 minutes: Run back to house, closing gates on the way.

T-1 minute: Feed dogs so anti-anxiety drugs can be administered in anticipation of thunder and lightning.

T-0:15 minutes: Begin running back to barn when the dreaded tornado siren begins wailing.  Pause.  Decide shutting barn doors is more important than not getting blown away.

T: Close barn doors and chicken house door.  Ignore hungry horse.  Run back to house.

T+1 minute: Tornado sirens still going off.  Turn on TV.  Watch 45 seconds of weatherman high on “tornado buzz”.

T+2 minutes: Satellite TV goes out.  Same with Clearwire satellite.  (No internet.)  Sky is green.  Decide it’s time to hunker down.

T+4 minutes: Gather essentials (pillow, cell, dog treats, book, book light, Triscuits, ice tea) and dogs in center of house.

T+6 minutes: Get bored.  Glance out window and decide that a beverage run is both warranted and safe.

T+6:30 minutes: Settle in with red wine in a penguin sippy cup (don’t want it to stain the carpet in case of an actual tornado, right?), book, and dogs.  Set a routine: pet dogs, read book, check cell, sip wine.  Repeat 1,000 times.  Waste most of evening, besides the wine & little bit of the book.

~

End result?  No tornado. 

~

*Disclaimer: I’m fully aware that tornadoes pose a serious threat and have been responsible for horrendous destruction and loss of life.  I in no way intend to downplay these painful realities, nor belittle the awesome power of wind being blown in a circle.  In this post I intend to sound cynical, but deep down I respect the raw, unleased power and scariness factor that is the tornado.  I talk big, but I have no desire to face one of those monsters down in person.

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