You know, I’ve never been particularly afraid of tornadoes*. Amazingly enough, the logical part of my brain prevails when it says, “you have better things to stress out over than the minute chance you’ll get killed by a tornado.” Fortunately we don’t get a ton of them here in Ohio.
But last night I learned what a pain in the ass tornadoes (or lack thereof) really are.
Here’s my tornado countdown from yesterday:
T-6 minutes: Arrive home from work via “the back way” because the highway was backed up for miles.
T-5:30 minutes: Let dogs out to pee. Say silent prayer for dogs that pee on command.
T-4 minutes: Put confused dogs back in house in order to drive car through back yard and into barn. Promise horse he will get fed in a few minutes. Unfortunately, neither of you know it yet, but that’s a lie.
T-2 minutes: Run back to house, closing gates on the way.
T-1 minute: Feed dogs so anti-anxiety drugs can be administered in anticipation of thunder and lightning.
T-0:15 minutes: Begin running back to barn when the dreaded tornado siren begins wailing. Pause. Decide shutting barn doors is more important than not getting blown away.
T: Close barn doors and chicken house door. Ignore hungry horse. Run back to house.
T+1 minute: Tornado sirens still going off. Turn on TV. Watch 45 seconds of weatherman high on “tornado buzz”.
T+2 minutes: Satellite TV goes out. Same with Clearwire satellite. (No internet.) Sky is green. Decide it’s time to hunker down.
T+4 minutes: Gather essentials (pillow, cell, dog treats, book, book light, Triscuits, ice tea) and dogs in center of house.
T+6 minutes: Get bored. Glance out window and decide that a beverage run is both warranted and safe.
T+6:30 minutes: Settle in with red wine in a penguin sippy cup (don’t want it to stain the carpet in case of an actual tornado, right?), book, and dogs. Set a routine: pet dogs, read book, check cell, sip wine. Repeat 1,000 times. Waste most of evening, besides the wine & little bit of the book.
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End result? No tornado.
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*Disclaimer: I’m fully aware that tornadoes pose a serious threat and have been responsible for horrendous destruction and loss of life. I in no way intend to downplay these painful realities, nor belittle the awesome power of wind being blown in a circle. In this post I intend to sound cynical, but deep down I respect the raw, unleased power and scariness factor that is the tornado. I talk big, but I have no desire to face one of those monsters down in person.
Aspiring Alverna 